A new year

A new year, a new beginning,
This is at least how I feel
These new months of january
Are!

I wish you all a beautiful
New beginning:
The continuity of all the good you've had,
The renewal of all that needs to be.

Checking my few favourite blogs, I see
Bloggers picking their favourite word.
I have picked mine: outside!

I've read an enlightening article recently:
OK I knew I was rather an introvert, but well,
It all confirmed it, and even more!
I've been thinking that an introvert
Might need to focus more on things outside of
Himself/herself. I don't know if you'll agree,
But I feel it is healthy to help our weakest
Qualities bloom, so as to achieve this gentle,
Delicate balance. It also happens that
I've decided I'd take my family out more
This year: little outings, little trips,
Nights out, days out, a concert here,
A play there, a movie, a lunch out...

I believe I need a breather this year, my family does too.
We've had lots of good in 2014, we've had losses too.
I believe I need and want to step out of my comfort zone
A little more often. I want the air, the fun, the open space,
The horizon, the happy sounds of happy crowds.

Here's to being outside/stepping outside/going outside more.
Wishing you a year full of beautiful outings, large and small!

You've got to know where to look

In this blogging community, there is a handful of blogs I love checking up on. There is my friend Sachi's blog (she recently shifted to Japanese and alas, my Japanese isn't good enough yet!). There is Nancy's blog, there is Kami, there is Kristel, Nikola. And a few others, dedicated more specifically to cooking or handcraft.
They all tell a story, full of sweetness, passion, ups and downs, inspiration. In them I see beautiful women, this kind of real beauty made of resourcefulness and sensitivity.
I love checking on them regularly, like checking on a friend to make sure eveything is fine and hear about the latest news from their life.
Wait...there is also Kelle and Rachel. This week, these two have posted something that rings a bell and finds a way into my own heart, because it is my inspiration, the touchstone of my blog.
Your life is beautiful, Rachel says.
Loving, even when it's hard, is the payoff in parenting, Kelle says.
I read those two posts and saw the same thing: there is really a lot of beauty in our lives, but sometimes it is not exactly what we would expect it to be. Sometimes it is there, behind a huge messy heap of daily chores, or in the early rain. Sometimes it is at the very root of what we could get tired of. Because it just needs to be seen and accepted in a different way. Because stress and hurriedness act as the most opaque screen ever....and when you stop and do open your eyes, it all starts flowing and overflowing.
I believe it really requires us to stop. Stop in our tracks, even if we don't have time or don't feel like it.
Though I never was in touch with Kelle or Rachel, though I think they never saw any of my comments, I am dearly attached to their blogs. There is a part of their life that graciously meets mine: the way they constantly surround themselves with beauty, a beauty you have to look for sometimes, or just embrace some other times. The beauty of the instant, in the way you can grasp the moment, yes, this tiny little moment, even if you're having a bad day. This moment of grace, of love, this little snippet of pure joy that's asking to be cherished and remembered.
As Kelle and Rachel, and Shannon, reminded me, yet again, beauty is not automatic, it isn't always easy, it is what you decide it to be. YOU catch the moment. YOU create the beauty around you. I mean the beauty of life, of course...

A matter of choice

I recently read this post, this 'honk if you're happy' story.
Oh well, how I love it! How I share the foundations on which it is built.
In Ann's words:
“Honk if you are happy” is in reality: “To BE happy — honk.”
And “Give thanks if you are joyful” is in reality: 
“To BE joyful, give thanks.”
Of course you should read the whole story to understand this quotation fully. But that perspective we give to things, the way we envisage life: it is all based on how full our hearts can be, how focused our minds are, how wide our arms will open.
You can't be happy if you don't want to be, if you don't decide to welcome the flow of events and emotions life has in store for you. If you don't, you quite simply block the way to any goodness that may befall you.
I've read a lot of books and poems and texts on gratitude, and way more about 'positive way of thinking', and it keeps growing on me.
Feeling thankful is really acknowledging the good we have, it is understanding that whatever hardship we might go through, there is good too. It is accepting to let the light shine in, it is coming to a standstill to take time to let that beauty sink in. It means being aware of what surrounds us, accepting the possibility of improvement, happiness, bliss. Accepting to move forward.
These last months, I've noticed how sunsets were amazing on my way to work every morning. The nuances, the sun going up, the mist, the landscapes draped in robes of fire and ice, the solemn sleepliness of my small country town, the amazing order of things that allows thousands of lives to quietly run errands and hang out peacefully. It was as if Nature was calling out, reaching out to me, telling me how much there was not only to see but admire. A good way to start my work day, a hearty chunk of beauty and peace...to remind me that my life is here and now, that joy and serenity can prevail upon stress and aggressiveness, that slow is better than quick, that if you want to be joyful you need to take the time to see the joy. Maybe you can even spread it.
It is in our thoughts, our minds, our hearts: the possibility of being happy. It is in the process. It sometimes requires efforts, or at least a mindset. Sometimes it is focusing on the present, letting go of both past and future, to nestle in what our life can give us, second after second.
Of course if we could just live without ever thinking, or better, if we had children's magic ability to be in the instant and grasp happiness wherever it is/wherever we generate it, we might not need to make this conscious choice. But as we do think a little too much, we should wake up every morning thinking first about how we want this new day to unfold.  Wishing you to make the best of choices, every day :)

A dented label and a stack of letters

For family reasons, I am beginning to go through a lot of personal papers, mainly letters. And I am sent back some handfuls of years ago. Back to a time when I was still single, when being a mother wasn't part of my plan, when I spent most of my time studying and travelling.
And it is amazing to read my own handwriting and my own words, from my younger me to my parents.
There is such a bittersweet mix of feelings, the rekindling of old memories that had been lying dormant for ages. It is like going through the mirror and meeting my old self. I wrote such long letters at that time, sweet and beautiful accounts of my adventures. Through these letters I see again names I had erased from my memory. Events. Stories. Trips. Details.
Speaking of my parents, I came upon an old jar of jam in my cellar this morning. And stumbled on the label, a dented label with my father's handwriting on it, specifying a date and a name. Be still, my heart: in a single day I have swum up the stream and encountered testimonies of a time that I tend to forget these days.
My father died a few years ago. And I thought at the time that nothing would ever be the same again. I was somehow right, and yet, the power of daily routines and the life of a wife and mother have turned my life inside out and sent me on track again. A new track. Without my dad, my relevance, my rock.
There are moments in life when suddenly you are swept off your feet and you lose your balance. And then with a bit of luck, and love, and good sense, you find your center again.
And there are moments when mundane things, like a label or a stack of letters, create this 'Back to the future' kind of time warp and have you float in a special space, between past and present. It's like witchcraft.
And it is interesting, too. You find yourself making judgements on your past persona, and on your present life. When doing so, at least today, I find myself mourning and regretting some things. Certainly, on a scale of the things I can share here, I had a lot of opportunities to travel and meet people. More money, as I could spend it mostly all for myself. More time. And more friends, because as I have found, a woman with several kids loses a part of her interest (is that her conversation, her involvement, her responsibilities?). But I also find myself wrapped by the magic of what life has given me.
Yes, these days I can tell you more about the special cream I have discovered that can be rubbed on little chests to cure bad colds, than about the latest movie played downtown. But rubbing little chests and getting up at night to comfort little ones has replaced planning trips or going to parties. Sipping my morning coffee while reading has become a rare luxury, yet I used to read all morning on week ends!
And what I read from a dented label or a stack of letters is that they all form a long and sinuous path, that life is all about evolving and moving from one place to another. That everything is in constant change and that it is essential to go with the flow, move along that movement. We change places, we change. Rather than growing older, we grow. So many details are erased on the way, absorbed in the whirlwind of events and occurences, but emotions do not fade. Feelings remain. And we must count our blessings, if we are blessed enough to be still on that evolving path.
There are a few names crossed off my letters, a few authors of labels who are gone already. I am still on the path that takes me further. It is an amazing path, full of pains and wonders, passion and amazement. Like all human beings I have always struggled as to where the path takes us, and even why, but at least I can see that this path is pure magic. Further down the path, after witnessing both the good and the bad, I can say for sure it really is magic.

On taking decisions... and making choices

So recently, I took up a new course on Coursera.
I haven't spoken about Coursera yet. But this web place is absolutely awesome.
If you like to learn and if you are curious, be sure to check it. No, I am not sponsored. They don't know me, but I have tested them.
I have taken Coursera courses already, on gastronomy, the history of Internet, etc. And four weeks ago, I signed up for a C++ course. For those who might not be fond of computing, it's a programming language.
You see, I am an 'artist' deep in my soul. I dream, I often do things out of intuition and feeling. I even went through a huge chunck of my studies with this 'method'. Feeling. Intuition. This is how I live, work, cook, craft. Not that I don't like to think and ponder (I do that all the time, probably way too much!), but I often end up acting like I breathe, without a predetermined plan. I'm also, even if that's close to caricature, much of the literary type, and I suck at anything that's related with mathematics.
So I thought this type of course would boost my neurons; yes, it would stimulate my tired neuronal connexions! :-)  And of course, I am much of a geek too, so I'd have fun and muscle my brain at the same time...
Turned out I indeed had a blast. And spent hours...at night, and worse for a family girl like me, during daytime too. I racked my brains, I submitted dozens of papers, did tons of exercises, caught myself doing the assignments over again.
I raced on to respect deadlines, and ended up consuming my whole saturday afternoon..so that in the evening there was no dinner, and the house was in a complete mess!
I had originally taken a decision that was good for me, but the good for me turned out to be outrageously bad for the rest of the family.
With food to buy, sleep to catch up with, kids to take care of, meals to plan and a job that demands lots of preparation, I ended up today shifting from that good decision to a more wholesome choice.
I used what was left of my weekend to cook a real dinner, fly a kite with my kids and drink tea with my daughters in their doll's tea set. Oh yes, I did the washing up too.
Ten years ago, I'd  have spent weeks on this course. Drinking coffee. Talking passionately for hours. Burning the midnight oil. Now I have a different life. Now my decisions affect not only me, but my dear ones. My choices are my responsibility.
I ended the day happier and at peace. But before that, I felt the dark clouds of frustration and bitter disappointment gather round me.
Giving up on this fun thing for me was hard. Finding appropriate leisure for me is not that common: not enough money. Not enough logistic support. And time is not really expandable, is it?
But this is what life is about. Moving on.
Moving along with our life and our choices, making the best of what we have.
And surrendering gracefully whenever necessary, in order to be able to evolve and move to the next step.
Finding contentment in the little things. They always matter. They are always here.
I am moving to the next step, accordingly. I pass on, move, and smile.
Today my fun was made of precious moments spent laughing with my kids. Picking fresh eggs in our recently built chicken coop. And rejoicing in the simplicity of it.